Lately, in psychotherapy, I often see that the root of relationship difficulties lies in the fact that a person has an inner “hole,” a lack of foundation to lean on and let love in — often because they were not able to “claim” (notice and receive) love from their past, most often from their parents.
Yes, our parents were far from perfect, to say the least. But many of them did love us — in their own way, as best they could. It’s important for us to recognize that and fill in the deficit.
This process is important not only for healing the past but also for being able to build healthy relationships in the present. As long as the internal belief remains that love never existed, a person may either desperately seek it without feeling fulfilled or distrust even those who are close. Returning to unclaimed love is a way to restore connection with inner support, with the feeling of “I mattered,” and thus — to strengthen self-worth and internal stability.
To claim love from the past means to reclaim the life energy that was present but never absorbed. This is especially important in cases of emotional rejection, lack of physical contact, strict upbringing, emotionally cold or functional parents — where love was expressed in forms hard to recognize: through food, control, silent presence. A child may not have recognized this love because their nervous system was under stress. Now, as an adult, they can return to those experiences — with new eyes and a new heart.
This is especially necessary for those who feel inner emptiness, emotional isolation, difficulty trusting, or an intense need for love “here and now” — as if they can’t breathe without it. Often, the issue isn’t just the lack of love now, but the unclaimed love from then.
When we return to the past — not to suffer, but to notice the good — it changes the whole system. We begin to feel that love was indeed there, and this gives us roots. By accepting it, we become more mature and whole. And finally, we can let love from the present in.
Thankfully, this can be repaired. Here’s what we need:
Start noticing the expressions of love that were there, but not received.
Gradually learn to claim them — make them your own, warming, alive.
Open up to what is present now — even if it’s not in the form you’d prefer.
🌱 WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO “CLAIM LOVE”?
It doesn’t mean saying rationally, “Well, they did something for me.”
It means feeling: yes, I was loved — not perfectly, not ideally, but in their own way, I was loved.
It’s like warming up a frozen seed inside — and letting it grow.
HERE ARE SOME SELF-PRACTICES
(AND THEY ARE POWERFUL):
1. Mini Retrospective
Goal: to start seeing that love was there, even in strange forms.
Instructions:
Take a pen and paper.
Draw three columns:
Who: (mom, dad, grandmother, neighbor, teacher…)
How they showed love: (cooked soup, scolded “out of care,” gave candy, waited after work, asked how I was…)
How I perceived it then: (didn’t notice, got angry, rejected it, didn’t believe it…)
Then add a fourth column:
What I can see now:
(“Dad just didn’t know how to hug, but he fixed my bike,” “Grandma yelled, but always ironed my clothes”…)
👉 Do this without judging yourself for “not seeing it.” You simply couldn’t back then. But you can now.
2. Practice of Assimilating Past Love
Goal: to help yourself feel that love — as if it’s entering you now.
Instructions:
Close your eyes.
Imagine someone who once wished you well. Even a little.
Imagine this person doing something for you. Not with words, but with a gesture, an action (giving you an apple, hugging you, silently looking at you with kindness).
Imagine your past self receiving it. Not pushing it away, not defending. Just receiving.
Feel what happens in your body as you allow yourself to take it in.
👉 You can do this with one person a day, or one action. The key is to feel, not just remember.
3. Love from the World: Nature, People, God
Goal: to start seeing the flow of love not in words — but in how life relates to you.
Instructions:
Each evening for 7 days, write in a journal:
🌳 What did nature do for me? (the sky was beautiful, birds were singing, fresh air, a sunbeam warmed me…)
👫 What did other people give me? (smiled, let me go first in line, said thank you, supported me with a look…)
🙏 What did God / Life / the Universe give me? (I caught the bus, found an answer, had a helpful thought…)
Important: even if it’s a small thing — write it down. This is a practice of noticing benevolence.
👉 After 7 days, reread everything. It can trigger a deep shift: “I am loved. I am supported. Life is for me.”
4. Growing Receptors for Love
Goal: not just to notice love, but to absorb it into the body.
Instructions (any time of day):
Pause.
Look at something beautiful (a flower, light in the window, a child’s face…).
Let yourself say: “This is for me.”
And breathe it into your body like a scent.
(You can place your hand on your chest: “I drink this in with my heart.”)
👉 This activates your body’s “receptors” for receiving — as if you’re learning again how to feel that something is being given to you.
5. Inner Phrase: “I allow myself to receive love”
Goal: to break the internal belief of “I’m not allowed.”
Repeat the phrase “I allow myself to receive love” for 15–20 minutes.
Read it daily (softly, aloud or silently). After a few days, you may feel something begin to open.
If there were deep wounds or lack of love in the past — that’s no reason to reject what is present now.
We need to heal the past and learn to receive in the present — even carefully.
Then the heart will begin to open. Gradually. Bit by bit.
(If you can’t do this alone, come for individual work.)