a psychotherapist’s perspective
When a person has been trying unsuccessfully to lose weight for many years, they often begin to believe that there is “something wrong” with them:
a lack of willpower, discipline, motivation, or character.
Diets, methods, coaches, and challenges change, yet the weight either does not go down at all or goes down only to inevitably return.
From a psychotherapeutic point of view, this is not about laziness or weakness.
Very often, it is about childhood experience that still lives in the body.
And the body continues to protect itself — even when the mind has long decided to “lose weight.”
Weight as adaptation, not as a mistake
The first thing that matters is this:
excess weight is very rarely a “malfunction.” Most often, it is an adaptation.
In childhood, we had no choice.
If the environment was unsafe, unpredictable, emotionally cold, or overly demanding, the psyche searched for ways to survive.
And the body became part of that strategy.
For a child, food can become:
- a source of comfort when there is no emotional connection;
- a way to fill inner emptiness, at least partially;
- a form of self-regulation when there is no adult who can soothe;
- the only stable source of pleasure.
The body remembers:
“Food = safety,”
“Fullness = protection,”
“Reserves = survival.”
And this does not disappear simply because we grow up.
When control replaces care
A very common childhood trauma scenario is living in constant tension:
- anxious, critical, or emotionally unavailable parents;
- high expectations with little support;
- conditional love: “if you are good / obedient / convenient.”
Such a child learns early to control themselves, but not to feel themselves.
In adulthood, this often looks like:
- rigid diets;
- perfectionism;
- the urge to “pull yourself together”;
- inner violence toward the body.
But a body that once lived under stress does not lose weight under pressure.
It perceives control as a threat and activates protective mechanisms:
- slowed metabolism,
- increased cravings,
- breakdowns and binges,
- weight gain “out of nowhere.”
Not because “you failed,” but because the body is protecting itself again.
Chronic anxiety and the hormonal trap
Childhood trauma is almost always linked to chronic anxiety, even when a person considers themselves “calm.”
A body that grew up in an unsafe environment often lives in a background state of:
- anticipating danger,
- constant mobilization,
- inner tension.
This directly affects the hormonal system:
- elevated cortisol;
- insulin fluctuations;
- a tendency to store fat, especially in the abdominal area.
It is crucial to understand:
weight loss is impossible where the body is still living in survival mode.
As long as the nervous system does not feel support and safety, any diet will be experienced as yet another threat.
The body as a “home” one does not want to return to
People with childhood trauma often have a disrupted relationship with their body.
The body may be experienced as:
- a source of shame,
- an object of criticism,
- a “problem,”
- something that needs to be fixed.
In such conditions, the body stops feeling like home.
And when we do not live in the body, it begins to live instead of us — storing, holding, protecting.
Slimness is impossible without the felt sense:
“In my body, it is safe,”
“I am allowed to be here,”
“I will not be punished for my needs.”
Why the weight comes back
Even when a person with childhood trauma loses weight, it very often returns.
This is not sabotage and not weakness.
This is the moment when the psyche says:
“We’ve gone too far. This is not safe.”
If slimness is associated with:
- vulnerability,
- attention,
- competition,
- the need to “measure up,”
the body will seek to return to where it once felt a bit calmer.
What truly helps
Working with weight in the context of childhood trauma is not primarily about food.
It is about restoring foundational experiences:
- a sense of safety in the body;
- reduction of background anxiety;
- the return of bodily sensitivity;
- developing inner care instead of control;
- stepping out of the mode of “I have to do everything myself.”
When this happens:
- food stops being the only source of comfort;
- cravings soften naturally;
- the body begins to release weight without struggle.
Weight loss becomes not an act of self-violence, but a by-product of healing.
An important conclusion
If it is hard for you to lose weight or maintain it, this does not mean you are “doing something wrong.”
It may very well mean that your body is still protecting you in the ways that once saved you.
And this is not something to fight.
It is something to meet.
Something to heal.
True slimness does not come through struggle, but through returning to yourself —
to a body that no longer has to survive.
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